Fantastic quote by John Thomas ( seriously that was his name) our 84 year old taxi driver, driving at breakneck speed towards Marari:
” my wife, very good cook, not beautiful… but good heart”
As he dropped us off at our home stay he grabbed my hand and felt for my pulse, halfway up my forearm, and said in his very very Indian accent “in two years you rich man, you are healthy, no cancer, your liver good” he then made sure I had his card and told me to call him if we needed a cab tomorrow! He then drove off, hand permanently on his horn, into the madness that is Sunday in Marari.
Indian head shake can mean a myriad of things from: “I don’t know”, “no you can’t take pictures in here” to “yes that would be nice” to “as if I would overcharge you, do I look like a thief?”, add to that “no I don’t know why the internet isn’t working, but it happens all the time so I am used to it anyway”
Unlike the Japanese, who if they don’t know will ask someone, Indians will just make it up
If you ever find yourself in a barbers chair being violently beaten about the head by a short fat man with 70’s hair and moustache, do not fear, this is an Indian head massage. If said short fat man then asks if you want Ayurvedic, a swift kick to the balls should stop the ensuing mint oil fest that will add considerably to your tuk tuk journey home as you won’t be able to hang onto anything as you’ll be completely covered in Ayurvedic oil. At least you’ll smell fresh when they bury you. If he offers you a facial, run.
If you ever go on a backwater boat ride be aware of the following:
When the man in the official department of tourism office says it will be a luxury boat you’ll be thinking aircon, maybe a massage, comfortable seating, maybe a bit of sitar on the sound system and food and drinks, what he actually means it has an engine and should make it all the way around without sinking or breaking down.
When Mr official my arse then says you’ll be stopping at a little restaurant with nice food along the way, what he actually means is you’ll stop at a shack where you’ll ask in a terribly nice way what the gentleman has for lunch, to which the somewhat curt reply will be “fish”, to which you will say “anything else apart form fish?”, “fish” will be the answer, you’re getting the picture here? You will then be given a paper mat, then the food will appear, and all the while you’re looking at the paper mat and waiting for a plate and cutlery. Well wait no more as this is it, the rather large somewhat surly waiter will then pop over, take one look at you and drop your food straight onto the paper mat, he will then depart. It will be at this point that you will look around you and see everyone else is eating with their fingers. Give it a go, what’s the worst that can happen? I’ll tell you what can bloody happen, you end up with food half way up your arms, unlike everyone else around you who, I’m sure, are secretly eating with forks and hiding them every time you look as their fingers and arms are virtually bloody spotless. It is at this point you will invariably remember the golden rule of always washing your hands prior to eating without fail, or you will die!
Tuk tuk drivers in India have lots of things to contend with while driving: dogs, pedestrians and me hanging around their necks.
Indian Tuk tuk drivers do not slow down for rain, pedestrians, cyclists or buses. The only time Claude didn’t even scream when heading straight for a bus was in the back of a tuk tuk as she was too terrified.
The North South divide:
In the the south people just want to know where you come from and your name
In the middle you’ll start to meet beggars and people will try to sell you stuff
In the north sellers expect you to buy stuff
When travelling to India, try spending a couple of weeks in Japan first if you want maximum effect when you arrive. From the sublime to the ridiculous.
There’s a saying that says you can tell a lot about by person by the way they treat people they do not have to be nice to. This is never more evident than in India.
On the Kerala Tamil Nadoo border you can have hours of fun watching cow tennis, this is a great game played by one man and three cows. Firstly the cows will wander over the border from Kerala, only to be chased back across by a man running a stall on the Tamil Nadoo side. Then due to inordinate amount of traffic the cows will gradually wander back across the border, again to be chased back across by the ever angrier man. This can carry on for quite a while until the cows get bored and wander off or the man manages to lead the cows far enough away that they just can’t be bothered to trek all the way back.
Indian safari: take 200 Indians in various forms of attire, all of which are wholly unsuited to a safari. Cram them into ten jeeps, turn the music up so they will be dancing in the back of the jeeps, and send them off up the dirt road to spot animals. An hour later you won’t find any of them on the dirt road any more as they will already be bored as they won’t have spotted any animals so they will have decamped to the restaurant to eat.
Normal safar: wait for all the Indians to leave, have a chai then after about half an hour set off to spot wild elephants, monkeys and giant squirrels. After a while head to the restaurant where you will find more wild animals eating!
Doing a tuk tuk tour: agree on the price beforehand, you will usually have to pay more for the “non” shop tour which is well worth the money as it means you won’t be stopping at every “government” shop on the way round. The tuk tuk drivers stop at these shops with tourists as they get a lunch or petrol voucher every time they bring people. Unfortunately for the unsuspecting tourist, one of these shops is akin to having a randy dog on your leg as the shop assistants will not leave you alone until you buy something. I saw an English couple looking like they had had the life blood sucked out of them by the ground floor, they still had another four floors to go! The more English you are about it the more they will grind you down until you buy their extortionately priced goods.
The only orderly queues we ever saw were outside bottle shops, no wonder Kerala wants to become a dry state!
The further north you go the more aggressive the beggars, guides and crap sellers become
The guides will ask where you are from then will regale you with the few words they know:
French: “bonjour” followed by “ooh la la”
Italian: “ciao”
Once you have become life long friends through this wonderful connection you now have, they will then expect you to want their guided services and will take it quite personally when you say you do not require their vastly overpriced services.
The crap sellers:
“Hello sir” whilst shoving a variety of things under your nose “nice necklace, only one thousand rupees”, when you politely decline they get more insistent ” why you no want? Nice necklaces” and so it will go until you finally get into your taxi, but they will still be tapping at the window as you drive away.
Beggars:
Will just say “naaaaa” “naaaaa” at you a lot
Once hotel porters find out you’re a bit of a tipper, when you arrive, you will find yourself with three porters putting your two bags in the boot of the taxi the following morning. When you give then 100 rupees they will have no problem pointing out that there are three of them, then they will stand there looking indignantly at you holding their hands out.
Airport security is bad enough, but when it is run by the army you’re asking for trouble.
India is becoming a first world economy but with a third world mentality
When boarding a tuk tuk always negotiate the price beforehand, although this does not mean the rate is not up for renegotiation once the destination is reached due to: “it is 700 rupees not 500 as I have to go back empty” “it was 14 kms”
On average airport announcements, in India, will make twelve “absolute final” announcements for late passengers before finally giving up
The Hindu times is only beaten to second place by the daily mail in its ability to distort reality to suit its articles.
In India a tourist and his money are soon parted
A little tour around the World 