And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I travelled each and ev’ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way…

When entering Cambodia from thailand be prepared as even customs will try to get a little extra out of you when you cross the border. Don’t succumb and pay just to make your life easier. I found continually pointing at the sign that clearly says $30 per person until the customs officer swears and then gives up works best. However if you find yourself being dragged off to some cell somewhere don’t blame me.

If you ever go to Siem reap watch out for the baby food muggers (they shall be known as Buggers from here on in). These are ladies who will approach you waving a sleeping baby in their arms, they will then put you at ease by saying:
“No money, no money” they will then show you the empty baby bottle.
Once your guard is down and your emotions running high you will remember the old rule of never giving money to beggars but buy them food instead. So you will follow the beggar, into the shop that she is pointing to, willingly. You will be patting yourself on the back and telling yourself what a good person you are and how this will boost your Karma to sainthood, all the way to the shelves, whereupon she will pull a tin of the most eye wateringly expensive baby food you will ever come across in your life off the top shelf.
This was the situation we came across twice within the space of five minutes of being in the shop looking for snacks. The First Lady I saved was in shock when presented with the $25 tin of baby food and was stuttering and stammering about how it was more than she wanted to spend. It was at this point I stepped in and told her it was a scam, her relief was written all over her face as she left the shop in a hurry. We carried on with our snack search when in came another Buggar with another baby and two lucky punters in tow. Although this couple didn’t look like they could afford much more than the Buggar , but were kind enough to be wanting to help, I had to step in again. But this time, as I was telling them about it being a scam, the Buggar was stamping on my foot. As I went into more detail with the grateful couple the Buggar, who was not smiling so much anymore, grabbed the tin of food and tried to smack me in the balls with it. The couple left in a hurry so I was left with mad child wielding Buggar woman shouting at me, thankfully she left so we paid for our snacks and left. Only to be confronted outside by first child wielding Buggar who was still mad at me from my first escapade, anyway a few choice expletives and hand waving exchanged and we all went on our way. Only to nearly trip over a woman lying in the street having an epileptic fit, although thankfully there were lots of people standing around her not doing anything.

When travelling back from the border back into thailand you can take a train. When sitting at a computer reading reviews about slow trains through the fields of thailand sitting next to locals selling their wares, you’ll feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You might feel that you will be getting in touch with the locals, that you’ll experience and feel emotions that only a train trip of this nature can invoke. What you will actually feel, or not feel, is your arse after an hour of sitting on a rock solid “foam” bench. The locals you will encounter will be lots of food vendors separating cockroaches into plastic bags, they will then laugh out loud as you try not to wretch when they wave flattened gutted rat on a stick under your nose.

The votes are now in: the worst toilet we have seen anywhere on our travels is…wait for it… In a lovely little tea shop in Nyaungshwe! It was truly and spectacularly awful, made worse by the fact that there was no light in the small shed out back of the tea shop which led me to stand (in flip flops) in a puddle of I’m not sure what over a toilet that had never ever seen bleach. And of course it was a one of the infamous porcelain (a posh hole in the ground) toilets that anyone in flip flops and shorts will know and love as these are the ones that let you feel every splash from the urine hitting everywhere bar the bloody hole you are trying to pee into.

In Myanmar you might feel the prices are a little on the tourist side and you might feel you should quite rightly haggle them down. Well don’t be surprised if sometimes people just walk away as soon as you start trying to haggle. It would appear that these aren’t just tourist prices, but actually they are God given right prices and they will take offence should you dare to consider a reduction, in fact you should be happy to pay more for them…

Monks like to chat to tourists, when they are not on their mobiles that

In yangon taxi drivers don’t have much of a sense of humour and won’t laugh when you tell them that their price is taking food from the mouths of your children

If you go to Inle Lake you should try to go and do a boat tour. The tour will start out well as you glide along little backwater passages waving at people as you go. And once you hit the main lake itself you will expect to see the famous fishermen balancing on one leg while pulling up nets and guiding the boat at the same time, or you may get an old bloke in a boat pull up along side you while holding up a week old fish wanting you to take pictures of him. If you hold out and not give him all your money for being so kind to let you take a picture of him as you’ve never seen anything quite so unique before, you’ll get to see some proper fishermen further into the lake. Funnily enough these fishermen were actually balancing on one leg while guiding the boat with an oar tucked under their arm whilst pulling up nets, but they can’t have been the real thing as they didn’t ask for any money! During your boat tour you’ll be taken to a market where locals will do their damnedest to part you from your hard earned cash, what ever you do don’t say “I’ll catch you on the way back” as she will remember you and follow you until you board your boat to leave, and even then she’ll be reminding you of what you said while hanging onto your boat as you try to leave.

Haggling is a fine art and I have found that in Myanmar it worked like this:
“How much for your coconuts” I say
“A dollar”
“Noooo too expenseeeeve” I say with a big smile
She walks away muttering something rude under her breath

In Mandalay, outside one of the temples there is a little old lady who will point to where you should leave your flip flops. Don’t let looks deceive you, this old lady will mug you on your way out of the temple. She will expect payment for her invaluable advice on where to chuck your flip flops.

Inside every temple, shrine you will find people wanting to sell you postcards that look like they were taken in the 1950’s with a pinhole camera by an eighty year old with palsy. They will try to break you down and follow you around the temple or shrine until you crack and buy something just to rid yourself of them.

Never ever take the first taxi that approaches you outside any airport/train station/bus station

If there’s a queue for taxis outside the arrivals entrance, pop upstairs to departures and find a taxi that’s just dropped someone off. He will be looking to go back to town not empty and hence will be up for a deal too

When staying in a hotel in Mandalay find out if there are going to be any festivals within a five mile radius while you are there. You might be thinking to yourself: local festival, local costumes and customs, maybe take a few pictures of the lovely children dressed in local costumes while dancing to local music. What you will actually get is local children in local costumes dancing to what must be myanmar hardcore techno being played at the sort of volumes that reminded me of a Saxon concert I went to back in 1980, the one where I couldn’t hear for the next three days. To make matters worse you’ll then be accosted by the only drunk in the village, who will insist on speaking to you, the problem is not only would he be nigh on impossible to understand on a sober day but throw a skin full into the equation and its a recipe for disaster. And just when you think it couldn’t get any worse… After you’ve been speaking to him and fending him off for about five minutes as he invades your personal space, it’s then that you realise he’s been spitting all over you while speaking AND he’s chewing that red beetlenut stuff that they love so much in Asia which is a complete nightmare to get out of your new (I don’t think I look that gay) Abercrombie and Fitch (maybe it’s a little tighter than I thought) t shirt.