Having now travelled for 2 weeks I would like to impart some of the huge amount of useless information I have accumulated:

Like, the first person you meet at a party being the last person you want to talk to at the end of a party, the same can be said of all railway stations, bus stations and simply parking in the street. The first person to approach you is the one to be avoided at all costs, especially if he tells you how honest he is and offers to help you in any way whatsoever, a swift kick to the groin will let him know in no uncertain terms how much you require his help and what he can go and do with it.

If you are a nervous passenger, never EVER get into a car with a Brazilian at the wheel. It’s as though every driver on the road is a challenge and to be over/under taken at all costs. This applies to lorries, taxis and seemingly friendly people who look like they wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

Do not put toilet paper down ANY toilet, even the slightest hint of paper will lead to instant blockage and involve the next two hours with a coat hanger trying to unblock said blockage. This also applies to, what most men will understand as, the morning after poo. Flush regularly.

Brasil seems to have its own special variety of mosquitos and if you should dare to be outside between 5 and 6.30pm, well then you’re in south central mozzie territory and you’re fair game, you have been warned. Unlike the English football team, they appear to work well as a team so while you are frantically waving your arms about trying to get one mozzie buzzing around in front of your nose, a team is down below going to work on your legs. Neem soap: doesn’t work, jungle spray: they eat if for breakfast, lager: who the hell came up with that one?!? So we have taken to mozzie tennis with a nifty tennis racquet shaped zapper which is actually quite entertaining. I would, however, recommend you taking Claude and the boys with you next time you venture into mozzie territory, as they work wonders as mozzie magnets, hence leaving me well alone!

Always check under the toilet seat before sitting down as, we have found, there is usually a frog sitting under it. I am not sure who screamed louder, me or the frog, when I sat down and he jumped! Leave the frog alone as apparently they eat Mosquitos, although in fairness, ours has had his work cut out for him here in Brasil and appears to be losing.

When travelling by public transport don’t ever expect to arrive anywhere even remotely close to the time stated on your ticket, the departure board or the very bored looking lady (in the loosest possible way) behind the counter, if you can get her off her mobile to serve you that is…

Taxi prices here are dependant upon the following: how desperate, naive, savvy or monied you look, and God forbid if you have luggage as then he will get the calculator out and then you’ve had it! You may try the, I’ll try chatting to him to show him what a great guy I am and try to appeal to his better nature ploy, this will only serve to irritate him while he is trying to chat animatedly to someone on the other end of his mobile phone so don’t.

Flies will return to the same spot on average three times… Unlike the little bugger bar flies which fly around just in front of your nose, they just never give up!